Many of us are intrigued by the topic of BDSM. We also all have our own perception of what this entails - some scarier than others. It's a complex lifestyle and there's a little bit of something for everyone.
When it comes to where to start or what to do I'm sure the broader vanilla population feels the same - pretty much lost. One thing we have been taught is to have your safe word sorted out quick! We also don't recommend using 'Philadelphia'.
I'm always fascinated by the relationship dynamics at play in this lifestyle. Sub to dom and dom to sub, the emotion behind it all and most importantly the benefit of having this experience.
With much humility, A* shares her experience with us - from how it makes her feel, how it's helped her grow sexually, right down to her favourite newly discovered fetishes that she never quite considered she'd enjoy. Another fuckit list item checked!
A little bit about you and your levels of sexual exploration prior to this new relationship dynamic
A, 33F - before R I would have considered myself "kinky vanilla" like I was open to playing but never thought I'd ever enjoy being dominated (I was very wrong).
How did the dom/sub dynamic come about in this relationship?
So with R it kinda happened pretty quickly (and by quickly I mean the day I met him #oops).
Was it easy to start or scary?
It wasn't scary at all (nerve-wracking yes but it was also exciting). R has this quiet way of being dominant without even trying, but he does it a. Considering what is best for me, and b, without making me feel less of a person, I actually crave it now... True alpha not someone who is just trying to get their own way....
So R and I were very open with our communication about sex and fantasies and turn ons, so I was aware he liked to dominate and it's something I'd never tried and it was on my fuckit list so thought why not. Initially I used the safe word every couple of minutes because I just wanted to know I could but he ALWAYS respected the boundaries so then it became about me testing mine and seeing how far I could push myself which was incredibly insightful.
How did it progress?
So he pretty much became my Dom instantly but then as it progressed and we were talking about it I found out about DDLG (day dom/little girl) and pet play - that was pretty intense and I didn't really understand it and my initial thought was RUN but I went home and researched the shit outta it. I think for me personally I thought there was a peado undertone but then realized that's not what it was about at all so figured let's try it and see what happens. Calling him Daddy was awkies at first didn't flow well at all - but the sex was mind blowing and experimental and so much fun so I was just going with it.
Then I had a really bad day coz you know life and went to see R and everything just kinda clicked - when I'm with him, I don’t have to worry about real life, he makes sure that I'm safe and protected and looked after while blocking out the realities. I think that night I went into a proper subspace for the first time and after that the progression happened quickly and naturally and now it's weird to call him R, I actually have to stop myself from calling him daddy in public😂
Has Daddy Dom done this before or are you the first?
R says he started realising his desires about 6 months before he met me so had experimented a little but nothing like we're doing together.
How does it make you feel?
I don’t think I've ever had this many orgasms in my life so that makes me feel bloody fantastic coz anyone who knows me knows that I want them all day every day! How I feel emotionally is slightly more complicated 😜
Overall, it makes me less stressy because when I'm with R everything is OK. He takes care of me, he makes the decisions he helps me be a better version of myself so I don't have to worry about those aspects and it allows me to regress into a headspace that’s safe. I also feel cared for because he makes good decisions for me (if he didn’t I wouldn't stay) I also feel nurtured (is that weird 😂) he's supportive and encouraging. In general I’m not trusting and don't rely on anyone but he makes me feel like I can.
Oh also for me specifically... I really love being pushed to try new things and he does that sexually, and every other aspect but I have no fear of failing because if I do he kinda reroutes me till I'm on a successful path.
What kinds of activities have you experienced?
So we've been experimenting a lot, I tried pet play for the first time (thought I'd hate it but thought I'd try it once for R so then I could say no forever but I loved it) probably because I go with Fox it's a wild animal thing so being a bratty sub I get to bite and disobey quite a bit.
What do you enjoy the most?
I'm quite a strong personality (probably doesn’t sound like it) so for me I think R is the first person I've been with who can actually handle me and in a way I love so my favourite thing is relinquishing control because I've never been able to before - have I mentioned I also love all the orgasms?
What toys do you like now that you never thought you would before?
I have lots of new toys... a dedicated bondage bullet, rope, paddles, whips, crops, spreader bar, butt plugs, a tail, nipple clamps a gag.
How has this relationship dynamic enhanced your sexuality? Is it less about sex and more about trust or intimacy or does is greatly enhance sex purely because of the shift in power?
Communication wise I still sometimes struggle because a. I'm not used to even being able to communicate but b. You have to actually be so vulnerable which I'm still getting used to, but R is pretty good at reading me and will push for the full story. It's so liberating to be able to tell someone your deepest darkest fantasies and instead of feeling judged he gets excited and then I'm more turned on.
How has your experience changed the way you previously may have looked as BDSM?
I think I have a pretty open mind about BDSM but I didn’t think it was for me. Now I'm not sure I could go back. I however didn't realize how many kinks fall under BDSM - for me it was bondage and whips.
How does the South African landscape accommodate people in this lifestyle?
We attended a bondage workshop together and went to a swingers club for a BDSM party.
Any advice for newbies?
For both of us our BDSM style is very much about the sex which I know isn't true for everyone however the trust and communication make the sex so much better it gets pushed further and it's more animalistic and I'm definitely less in my head.
As the industry expands rapidly in the country, it's always great to have access to such raw, insightful and honest feedback. Thanks a bunch for sharing it with us A!
As always... Be bold, stay playful & for heavens sake don't forget your safe word!
Play With Me Founder: Carmen