A question I often get asked, which seems to be a pretty straightforward one, is ‘How do I spice up my relationship?’
The very nature of being in the pleasure product industry often means fielding some very personal questions, but out of them all this one comes up a LOT.
While this might seem a simple question, more often than not the answer goes far beyond the physical and lies in the level of communication and intimacy that exists within a relationship.
Having exited from a marriage where the most important ingredient (intimacy) was lacking, this topic remains close to my heart.
I remember feeling so inadequate at the time and I just didn’t know how to fix our relationship in the bedroom. Couples counselling worked for a period of time, but unfortunately wasn’t very focussed on sex. Having our daughter after that, introduced another layer of distraction from the elephant in the room. Life in the bedroom just wasn’t working. Advances were rejected and the guilt all consuming. Looking back, it’s very clear to me that we never took the time to understand each other’s sexual needs, or the importance thereof. This resulted in less connecting and mounting frustration. Everything else became ‘the issue’ because we never understood what the problem actually was. Eventually, my libido packed its bags and went on hiatus.
When we first meet someone, we undertake a great exploration process. We unpack each other’s values, dreams, goals and habits, to name a few. We sniff out where we might be most compatible and where we might need to be more accommodating. It’s an exciting process of discovery.
Once we have our ‘someone’ we often get distracted with the rest of life and our levels of intimacy wane as we slowly disconnect.
This is the first time I have ever contextualised my feelings about my marriage and it was spurred on by an article I came across recently: 37 Questions for Spouses to ask Each Other About Sex (credit Uncovering Intimacy). This made me realise just how big the intimacy gap can be between two people.
I’ve since built a business, in which we are extremely passionate about sourcing a range of incredible toys and accessories that greatly enhance sexual relations. However, I now wholeheartedly appreciate the fact that we simply cannot ignore the other side to sex and the need to be connected at a more intimate level.
If you are reading this article and can relate to what I have expressed and if you have the desire to inject some excitement into your relationship, this is a great place to start.
Sometimes the simplest of questions never get asked, or perhaps they are not always obvious or easy to discuss. Sometimes the answers are quite surprising. Either which way, leaving them unanswered does not serve you. You deserve the most magic that can possibly exist in your relationship.
I’ve slotted in a copy of the 37 questions I’ve referred to above, some of which you might know the answers to already.
I am sure that once you begin you will find it easier to have these discussions, be more willing to explore the answers and start enjoying a whole new level of engagement with your person.
There is a need for opening yourself up and being vulnerable in your approach. After all, the quality of your relationship and most of all, living the best life for you, starts in truthfulness.
- Where is your favourite place to be touched that isn’t sexual to you?
- When I initiate sex, what is the first thing that comes to mind?
- What is your favourite way for me to initiate sex?
- How do you usually try and let me know that you are in the mood for sex?
- What does sex mean to you?
- Describe your favourite memory of us having sex.
- Where and how do you like to be touched the most during sex? Why?
- Where do you not like to be touched during sex and why not?
- Describe something you’d like to try, regarding sex, which we haven’t tried together.
- Describe something we have tried before, regarding sex, which you’d like more of.
- Tell me about the first time we had sex, from your perspective. What was good, what could have been better?
- How often would you like to have sex, ideally?
- What do you think about during sex?
- Do you prefer being dominant or submissive in bed? Why?
- What’s your favourite position? Why?
- Would you rather have sex with the lights on, or off? Are you afraid of having sex with the lights on?
- Does being naked in front of me make you uncomfortable? What can I do to make you more comfortable?
- Are you happy with how long we spend on foreplay in a session? Would you like more or less?
- Are you happy with how long we spend on sex in a session? Would you like more or less?
- What is your favourite foreplay activity?
- If there was one thing you would improve about our sex life, what would it be?
- Have you ever looked in a mirror while we were having sex? If so, what did you think? If not, want to?
- If you were going to write an erotic story for me, about us, what elements would the story include?
- What is your favourite thing for me to say during sex?
- What activity gives you the strongest, or longest, orgasms?
- Describe what an orgasm feels like to you.
- Describe what it feels like to you when I have an orgasm (physically or emotionally).
- What is the most important part of sex for you? Why?
- Is there anywhere you’d like to have sex that we haven’t already?
- What is your favourite kind of lingerie (either to wear, or to see your partner in)?
- Would you rather have sex in the morning, or in the evening?
- Would you rather give oral sex, receive it, or neither? Why?
- Do you prefer being on top, or prefer me being on top?
- What do we do in bed that you never thought you’d participate in?
- Which of my body parts is your favourite?
- Which one of your body parts are your favourite?
- Name one thing that really turns you on.